Whatsername
by Paranoia Doll
Summary: Change is the only constant. Xander realized this but, still can't let go. Can she help him? R-n-R!


**_Whatsername_**

_By_

_The Al Bhed Slayer_

_

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Disclaimer: Well, since my name isn't Joss Whedon, I must sadly say no, I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now go read while I sob over that fact. :'((_

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He missed her: plain and simple. How could he not? It was almost the anniversary of 'the call', of when he heard her name spoken last. There had been no memorial service, no last words, nothing. Just a call. But he hadn't cried, not like he did for Anya. Though he felt the tears threatening to spill, he refused to let them. He refused to let her die. _She's alright_, he'd often think to himself, _she'd never just go out like that. Not without a bang. She's fine. _He had stopped thinking about it after that, pushing her to the back of his mind for months. Until, one night, out of the blue, he was walking silently down a block, head down, hands shoved in his pockets, as he let his mind wander. Suddenly, he seemed to hit something, more like someone, catching a glimpse of long dark hair and bronzed skin. He turned and apologized quickly, and, in response, getting a scoff. "Watch it, loser."

It was her voice. It _had_ to be her voice, considering most people there didn't speak English. He blinked a few times, focusing his eye on the woman. There was no resemblance at all. He sighed, shook his head and moved on.

_Thought I ran into you down on the street  
Then it turned out to only be a dream_

Now, he held her picture. He studied it closely, remembering that day. It had been their forgotten day, and their happiest. That day at the pier had been the calm before the storm. But all that happened after that day, the bad at least, didn't matter. A rueful grin lingered on his features. She was flashing her usual million dollar smile, only for once, it wasn't empty or fake. That was his one of few pieces of proof that at one time they had been happy together. The singed sides made him recall the day he and Anya became official. All the other pictures had been burned, and, as soon as he dropped that particular photo into the flames, he just as quickly pulled it out, burning himself in the process. He had stowed it away, where only he would know. And now, he placed it carefully where he had found it once more. It was far too late to reminisce on a date so far in the past. They had both moved on years ago. They had their own lives long before they had both completely forgotten what they had.

_I made a point to burn all of the photographs  
She went away and then I took a different path_

He sighed heavily, leaning back against the wall as he sat on the floor of his apartment. What they had was odd, complicated, and short-lived, but he always knew he'd never forget. He just hoped wherever she was now, not that he had any doubt where she ended up, she wouldn't forget either.

_I remember the face  
But I can't recall the name  
Now I wonder how whatsername has been_

It was strange. Through the years, Angel, of course, was mentioned often. But not her. No one had mentioned her whatsoever. Though he knew, with Anya, maybe that was a good thing. But, still…she may have been in Los Angeles, but it seemed like she had fallen off the face of the planet.

_Seems that she disappeared without a trace_

But just because no one said a word about her there, doesn't mean he never wondered…How was she? Was LA all she expected? Did she miss any of them? Did she miss him? But he never bothered to write and ask. He had moved on, and so had she, apparently, to his _favorite_ person. He had maybe known about the two a year before she was gone. As much as he hated the guy, he often wondered about her with him. Were her last moments with him? Had she really changed that much?

_Did she ever marry old what's his face?_

_I made a point to burn all of the photographs  
She went away and then I took a different path  
I remember the face  
But I can't recall the name  
Now I wonder how whatsername has been_

How did everything they had both been through come to this? How did the so-called 'vital' member of the Scooby gang end up alone, miles away from anyone he could talk to, let alone call a friend? How did the Queen Bitch end up giving everything – her free will, her health, her **life**, _everything_ – to fight the good fight? "People change, Xander."

_Remember, whatever  
It seems like forever ago_

It seemed more like a whisper in the wind than a voice, but none the less, he glanced up to where the voice had come from. There in front of him, she stood, not in white like he would expect, but in…purple? Though she didn't look like he'd expect, he didn't necessarily notice. All he knew, but not so much could comprehend, was that this woman he had known so long ago stood before him now, smiling warmly. His brow furrowed curiously. "How…"

_Remember, whatever  
It seems like forever ago_

"Sometimes…" She paused for a second, "Forgetting's not so bad."

_The regrets are useless  
In my mind  
She's in my head  
I must confess_

Pulling himself up, he met her eye to eye.

"'s been a helluva lifetime, hasn't it?" He asked, trying almost desperately to raise his mood.

"Oh yeah," She laughed a bit. Still smiling, she added, "But, in the end, we all did what we had to."

_The regrets are useless  
In my mind  
She's in my head  
From so long ago_

Before either of them knew what was happening, she pulled him into a hug. He half-grinned at her actions, placing his arms around her.

"All roads lead home, Xander," she whispered into his ear, "That, you should never forget."

_And in the darkest night  
If my memory serves me right_

Letting go reluctantly, gave a small smile. "I won't."

She looked in his eye one last time, as if saying goodbye. She slowly turned and strolled away, fading into nothing. He stared at where she had been as he felt a small breeze go past him. Closing his eye, he let the very last tear drop.

"I'll miss you, Cordelia."

_I'll never turn back time_

_**Forgetting you**_

_**But not the time**_

_**

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Xander: …And if it helps, whenever we're around them, we can fight a lot.**_

_**Cordelia: You promise?**_

_**Xander: You can pretty much count on it.**_

_**-"Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"**_

_**FIN.**_


End file.
